speaking dad

after spending the better part of the last decade trying to understand the reasoning/motivations/true meaning of interactions with my dad, i feel i have stumbled onto some helpful observations. translating the dialect that is fatherish and understanding the significance of comments and actions should probably be taken as a foreign language. here we go:

a. "do you want to go get patio furniture?"

sure, it's not likely that you'll have a heart to heart conversation at lowe's. nor is it likely that your advice will be strongly considered in the process but what's significant about this seemingly pointless trip is that you are spending 4o+ minutes in transit, meandering around the home and garden store and assembling the new acquisition. but what's so sweet to see from this encounter is the ministry of presence in the relationship. by them asking and you accepting, there's a point of mutual acceptance, a state of "we want to be around each other". as a christian, i can see how my heavenly Father just wants to be with me. look at luke 15. it's packed full of lost "somethings" and the joyous finding of them. you ever get excited to find something you didn't really care about losing? like that sock you find in your couch cushions? naww, because it wasn't precious to have. not like your form of livelihood, a portion of your income or your son.

b. stereotypical conversation involving rebuking or correction

this conversation can't get over with soon enough. it seems meaningless, in that we who have parents who care enough to make us aware of our transgressions have already felt the weight of wronging and letting them down and have resolved to fix the problem with all due effort. but block out the next 15min-2hours to get some lip service about making sure you're aware of that. while this is the most painful, it's more loving then we know.

"because the LORD disciplines those he loves,as a father the son he delights in." proverbs 3:12

i know this is probably the most obvious, but it may be the hardest to remember in the moment.

c.this is more of an intangible: letting you move back home over the summer, giving you that old truck when you turn 16, going to your games for 15+ years, etc.

these are things that i've so often took for granted. so much i look at these things as what's expected, as the norm. not only are we so often provided with what we need (food, shelter) but our parents go above and beyond. as a finance grad, my inclination is to build a spreadsheet full of time value functions to imagine how much of an investment i've been for the past 22 years. the opportunity cost (forgone investments) in investing in my life i'm sure would amount to any combination of a much earlier retirement, sports car, season tickets to the dallas cowboys, okc thunder and the texas rangers, and on and on we go. in these small, compounding situations, i see what has been given for my well being and wants. sleep, money, hobbies, relationships, vacations. granted, i didn't volunteer to be born. but when our parents had us, they were handed the opportunity to sacrifice themselves. 1 john 3:16 says that "this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.."

it's so easy to focus on what we don't have and to want more, to want what others have. but to read between the lines and see all of the great love, time and foregone opportunity that has been invested in our lives, this will certainly impact the way we perceive the mustache wearing, recliner dweller. i'm not saying he's perfect, or even that he doesn't mess up, even consistently, but enjoy the blessing that he is and take a second or third look to see what's really going on. i'm learning there's more ways they communicate their feelings than with three consecutive words on occassion.

redefining greatness

this summer has just been something else friends. i've never been more humbled and amazed then i have over the course of the previous two months. coming home to perkins for a summer of support raising for my internship with campus crusade for christ wasn't on my top 10 list of ideas of fun things i want to do with my life, but it's been both phenomenal and nauseating at the same time. the stories of people's lives have blown me away and the guidance and comfort i've received is something i treasure. it's been a process but i see that it's an opportunity for these people to be a part of reaching lives for Christ, which is amazing. it's just been amazing to see the Lord's faithfulness amidst all my doubt and anxiety. my favorite parts have been the sweet growth experiences filled with those moments of deep despair followed by hearing just what i need to hear right when i needed to hear it. spending so much time with my family has been great too, they're soo great. but a few observations:

1. fireworks blow my mind. tightly, compacted gun powder and chemicals that when ignited shoot multiple football fields into the air and erupt into symmetrical, color changing, perfectly shaped lights in the sky? coomee onnn. how much does God love us that he would give us stuff like that just to look at? i vote that we should celbrate our country's half birthday as well. i think this would also lessen post christmas sadness. just a thought.

2. another mind boggling thing to me is how people are swooning over 25-3o year old men and where they'll play professional basketball at next year. i've seen interviews with cleveland residents claiming "the town just won't be the same" and "i don't know what we'll do without him." my question is on what level has a 25 year old basketball player ever met any of your phsyical, financial or emotional needs? i read the title "ohio on edge as it awaits lebrons decision" for reals? i'll be honest, i put my hope into sports as well. oklahoma state, okc thunder, dallas cowboys, even a usa soccer team that i can't name more than 3 players on the roster. i'm just as bad but here's a thought:

"we were created for a ferocious, epic battle for the Lord, but for some reason, we try and satisfy that desire with sports."-matt chandler

only 3 things are eternal: God, his word and the soul's of men. too often, i live life in light of my entertainment and not in awareness of the eternal implications of my surroundings. God defines greatness as to how much can we give our life away to those around us (matthew 20:26-28) and not based off how many points we can score in basketball/how freakishly high we can jump. it's constantly a process for me to keep definining myself by who i am in Christ and not based of my lack of a vertical.

but i hope you had a great 4th of july and are having a great summer! God bless.

-mandy candy

from an alumnus

so now that this whole college thing has concluded, i wanted to know what the most important thing i can take away from that experience is. i think accepting two things have recently become most pertinent in my quest for a life full of joy and satisfaction. i think they're things that you probably experience too.

1. "why do bad things happen to good people?" seems to be an often asked question. at the heart of the question, i see entitlement that's deeply rooted culturally. "i did this and therefore i deserve that." that's hammers me. the american dream of working to where you want to be. mainly the thought that if you're a good person, good things will deservedly happen to you.

when i dwell on this, the only answer i peacefully conclude is in my faith. i start with why am i here? to glorify the God that made and loves me. how can i best do that? is the answer by having every single thing in life given to me and never experiencing hurt, want or seemingly need? why would i need God if that were true? what's the beauty of a story in which God himself left heaven to die for a people who frankly, lived perfect lives in which they have everything they'll ever want or need?

there's nothing pretty about that, it seems unnecessary under those pretenses. but what is beautiful is knowing our rebellious nature, and that we're going to live hurtfully, selfishly and even maliciously at times because of our freedom to choose, our God lovingly chose to die for us. being the Creator, do you think He could have chose another plan? i do, but we wouldn't quite get him the way we do now. in the words of j packer, "he still seeks the fellowship of his people and sends them both joy and sorrow to detach their hands from the things of this world and attaches those hands to Him." God allows those things to happen because He loves us and wants us to see that life isn't in those things, it's only in Him.

after living a life of pleasure and pain to extremes that it's not likely we'll ever taste, David proclaims in psalms 18 that the "Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer." He's the stable place of protection and comfort. see it's out of great love and mercy that we receive hardship because we see him for who He is in that moment. that for reasons that we can't grasp right now, we don't get that job and our parents get divorced and that great thing we want won't ever be ours. that's rough. but rest in accepting that Jesus is God (colossians 3) and that tells us things about God and that in the moment we hurt, he weeps with us. (john 11:35)

for me, knowing that with a complete lack of regard to circumstances and situations, the reason i feel joy and contentment can't be shaken brings me to a different place and i don't think i knew that in high school. i'll do that other thing soon but i hope ya'll are starting off your summer great, God bless.

-mandy candy

identity crisis

approximately 33 days from graduation, i feel like this is one of those natural times in life when people start to freak out a lil bit. you've studied, networked, prepared for this time where it all pays off in a steady, secure job and position that cements your legacy as a responsible, respectable and contributing member of society.

conversationally, this looks like the graduatee pronouncing their lofty, elaborate plans for either gradschool/further education or a glamorous 50k position with a firm featuring an environment that fosters an attitude of aggressive advancement and the refining of our superior leadership skills.

don't get me wrong, i'm totally fine with going down that path, walking in what the Lord blesses. but so often i see how in my own life and in the life of my peers we have the tendency to find our identity, and self worth, in what we're doing and not in who we are.

in an age marked with heroes marred with character flaws that are completely overshadowed by success, i feel it's imminent that this school of thought will/is leaving us completely overwhelmed far too often on this futile path of satisfying our own skewed perception of success and the achieving to earn a level of respect and approval from others. am i saying that it's wrong to lead a disciplined, well organized and achieving life? absolutely not, that'd be silly. over and over again, scripturally the Lord confirms the idea of leading a disciplined life by using people that live that way. specifically as a man, it's our ordained position and our createdness to work hard, love sacrificially and provide for ourselves, and if we can handle that, a wife and children.

please hear me out, i'm not speaking against ambition. when these desires are honored in a Godly way, good things happen. i desire to speak against how i and culturally we strive to find our identity in what i'll refer to as "broken cisterns."

in the book of jeremiah, israel has been completely disobedient. what i would consider one of the least fun jobs of all time, jeremiah's job is to go to the people and talk about this disobedience. when i see some of israel's character, it's hard because i identify in this rebellious nature. an applicable passage from this scripture comes from chapter 2 and verse 13 when jeremiah brings the heat from the Lord:

"my people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

it pains me to realize that what he's talking about applies just as much, if not more, now to me than it does those cats. everyday, left and right, we look to our performance in class, relationships, work, exercise and pleasure to satisfy our self image. we grab a hold of everything we can in this life and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste for everything it's worth. too often, we look to creation to satisfy where only the Creator can fulfill us.

we find that while this cup we have may satisfy us for the time, the whole time it's had a leak and that all of our satisfaction has leaked out of the cracks. we're putting an unreal amount of pressure on these objects or people and in the end we find this solution doesn't meet our needs and we find our hope deferred.

i feel like outside of my faith, i would have absolutely no answer to this crisis. i would probably just try and achieve more, find joy in having more things and look to people for meeting my needs. truthfully, i still do that but because of the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, it's not about what i've done.

hebrews 7:25 "therefore he is able to save completely, those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them."

our deepest awareness of ourselves has to be that we're completely insufficient but that irregardless of what we've done, we're completely accepted by God because of His Son and what He did on our behalf.

i hope you guys are doing well and enjoying this amazing weather! have a great week, God bless.

-mandy candy

the parallels of uncleness and "morning dew"

recently, i left behind childhood and became an uncle. jk but for reals approx. 2 weeks, 3days ago it all went down and now there's a sweet little babe that can make a legitimate claim as being the most small and precious person in the entire world and in the wake of her arrival, i'd like to unwind and unpack my thoughts concerning the blessings surrounding "the blessing" and what i'm thinking about the future.

set aside the exclusive uncle's breakfast i now get to attend, the repeated viewings of our picture together that gurantee a smile and just looking forward to a summer filled with many visits as uncle steven, i truthfully had no idea i could learn so much from somebody who is yet to talk and who is so very small (again, blows me away).

an important lesson i've learned is not to view life as random, unorderly events but to realize that, like psalm 139 says, all my days have been ordained and are with purpose and that my Creator gives me things so i can learn more about Him. here's what anistyn's taught me so far:

1. walking requires patience. i'm aware that i'm getting a little bit ahead of myself here but those tiny little feet will put on the smallest pair of converses that i've ever seen someday and she'll start to walk. craaazzy. i can already see my boy david (her pops) holding her hands, full of joy, smiling and laughing, day after day, attempt after attempt, helping her take those first few steps. i know this man and he won't ever at any point say "c'mon girl get your act together. i'd really like to run a marathon with you in may so lace em up and i'll meet ya on the porch in 5... or else." he's patient. our father in heaven everyday watches as we take steps closer to him and when we fall, please don't think he's hacked. he loves us and can't wait for us to get up and take another step.

2. epic games of hide and seek. i'm all about this game lil ones play where they cover their eyes and believe that you can't see them simply because they can't see you. i think it'd be so great if that was true throughout life and if we simply didn't acknowledge our problems that they wouldn't exist. silly right? i do it in my faith everyday. i constantly see the condition of my heart and what is most important in my life and i so often act like it's all ok. i'm a 22 year old covering up my eyes thinking He can't see what's in my life. silllly. oh how i wish i could just readily grasp what he's saying in revelation 3:20 when He's saying He's knocking at the door i just have to open it. don't try and clean up your act, he does that after we accept his love. we should just let him in and see how communing with that love affects life.

3.lastly, how is this baby going to make it? we've got like 5 needs to survive right? food fun water shelter community? she hadn't found her thumb when i left, oh goodness. of course i never really had these worries, why? because she is so dearly loved by her mother and father who will love and provide all of that for her. with them, she would be defenseless and i rarely view my relationship with God in that light. i'll be working on it. it's so beautiful to see these parallels.

on another note, i was in northwestern arkansas, just porching it at about 3am and i had one of those moments. it had just started to rain and that scent came by, ya know the one that old spice and johnson and johnson have been trying to bottle and put in deodorant and body wash for years? they will call it "morning dew" or something much more clever but i got it for free. i was looking over the trees and hills where i'm considering living next year and i just felt a peace in my heart about interning for crusade at the univ of arkansas. it was great, see ya in the fall fayetteville. (80% sure)

i'll finish with this story i've been dwelling on lately. a couple of weeks ago, i heard a story from one of my good friends. he has 2 little boys (and a wife) and he was at mcdonalds with one of his little guys and they were just talking away. the only unusual thing about the situation is that my friend's son is five years old, is autistic and is yet to say his first words. but my boy said that in that moment, he just got it. he dearly loved his son so much that amidst all the awkward stares and the years of heartache, "he got it". just being with his son, even if he can't talk, he loved him. i'll confess i can't grasp this love for somebody else yet. he knew in that moment that if he could love another human that deeply, that God must love him so much more and it brought tears to my 33 year old friend's eyes there in Mcd's.

grace and peace studs, good night.

ps: my boy ben rector wrote this song about being an uncle and i wanted to share my favorite part with you guys. i think it epitomizes the feeling. it's also much more touching in it's context.

"When you find yourself alone in times of trouble,

reach inside you and above you, there's nothing He can't heal.

And if it is you do not end up with a brother,

just call your older uncle, I can always lend an ear.

Would you remember that for me?"

"hank" ben rector

snow, skylines, friends and thomas the doubter

(flashback to the 7:04am on january 7,2010 location: corner bakery denver,co 80201)

something is strangely enticing to me about the anonymity that occurs for me in large cities. set aside the fact that i do slightly embarassing things like walk around in nice clothes drinking coffee acting like i have a job i'm commuting to or that i've spent my first 22 years in a place where i have a 95% chance of running into somebody i know anywhere i go, these brief urban adventures almost always bring about a strange rush of excitement and are paralleled by personal growth. i almost want to credit this to the presence of two of my most dear brothers in the whole wide world that are cozily sleeping a half a block away, but i know they're just a part of how i can step back and see God working in my life.

the conference i've been attending has the theme of "glory" which has been such a blessing, and i love how it got personal to me. this started monday night when a man named james white read me a story about a man named thomas. if you're familiar with the gospels, you probably know the guy. the guy in john 20 who so famously doubted. even to the extent that our boy is then followed by the surname "the doubter". pretty rough right? i, probably just like you, just kinda thought "wow man, you saw Jesus perform countless miracles. storms were calmed, thousands were fed with a couple perch and some toast (probably politically incorrect but God speaks in oklahoma terms to my heart), a man brought back to life and demons left men. what else do you need to see to know this guy's pretty special bro? i think ya get the picture.

(warning:intense bible story ahead that may lead to personal reflection)

fast forward to john 20:25

disciples: "we have seen the Lord!" (our teacher who we saw crucified 3 days ago? yeah He's alive!)

thomas: "unless i see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were and put my hands into his side, i will not believe."

it took my boy j.white explaining to me thomas character before i got past his apparent flaw. see thomas wasn't "a hard-nosed skeptic". thomas saw the horrific beating and murder of the best, most loving man he ever knew. he believed in him. in john 11:16, thomas was the one who stepped up and said he would follow Christ even if it cost him his life. i think of the emotion the disciples experienced when their doubts were silenced and they saw Christ and in verse 24 it says thomas wasn't there, he didn't get to see Jesus when they all did. i can just imagine the tears that filled his eyes when it was hitting him that this could be for reals, that Jesus was fulfilling the prophecies. in verses 26-27 Jesus fulfills thomas requests and historic sources cite that thomas became one of the first missionaries to india where he was eventually stoned to death.

i just think so much in our lives, we doubt. it's all in the bible how loved we really are and so often we change what's said to let it make sense to us. we think "if i can just go to church and say some nice things to some people and don't ever say a cuss word, then i'll be a good christian." i don't think our boy the doubter was compelled by the idea of self righteousness and earning the love he received. we don't have the luxury of seeing the wounds but vs.29 was all i needed to calm that doubt in me. the gospel clearly states that God died for us and it's so hard to believe. but it's our choice to believe it (depending on your theological view of course)

with that being said, i had such a great Christmas guys. i've got soo much evidence for how i'm spoiled rotten but you won't ever hear me complain about it. much love friends

-mandy candy

good as gold

happy thanksgiving!

my stinkin adorable little cousin ty was wearing this shirt titled "good as gold" yesterday at yet another epic family gathering. after teasing him about taking my shirt, in light of the holidays, i started to wonder what i would define as "good as gold" in my life.

the movie "the blind side" (highly recommended) shows the life of a man named michael oher, and the story of michael oher smacked my heart across the face. as i heard the story of the well-to-do tuohy family that adopted michael, an extremely large black teenager from a rough background, i saw the gospel shining through. as the southern hospitality shook me, i identified myself with michael, a character in need of saving, one who is helpless and prostrate before the hands of a loving father to take me in. i see michael's "teddy bear" heart of willing acceptance of worth as good as gold.

in psalms 53:3 it says "no one is good, not even one" but at the beginning of time, everything was good until genesis 2:18 when God said it isn't good for man to be alone. how does that work? my conclusion is that relationships are a direct blessing from the Lord in both good times and bad. relationships are hard. people are broken and we'll disagree, we'll change our minds and people will break our hearts. but why? in no other life experience have i understood the weight of the gospel more than when i've loved people well and it wasn't returned.

when i think of my life, i'm thankful. i could make 100's of points on just how ridiculously blessed i am. friends, family, living in God's country, ministry, gifts, turkey.. it goes on and on but when i think of what i lack and want more than anything, i love listening to this song by hillsong called "the desert song". i find that what my desires are most aligned with is the line

"And this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames."

i desire a believing faith able to be refined in flames, one that allows me to truly believe in what i see is true. that on a cross over 2000 years ago, love was defined. that 3 days later, my fate was sealed to be one with eternal life.

i've been reading a book for about 4 months now titled "the ragamuffin gospel." read it. it's like getting drunk on grace every half page, you will see the cross and your position more clearly, God willing after gracing yourself with it's presence. that being said, I want to leave you with this brief insight on grace. God bless friends, happy holidays!

"we never lay hold of our nothingness before God, and consequently, we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with him. but when we accept ownership of our powerlessness and helplessness, when we ackowledge that we are paupers at the door of God's mercy, then God can make something beautiful out of us."