belief

i don't think i like to analyze this word in relation to me. with pride from natural growth in understanding, skepticism ensues in my life and that doesn't always play out in a pretty way.
some of the questions to ask are what do i believe in and what does that mean in my life? how strongly do i believe that? when anything challenges what i believe in, how do i respond to that? i would say i'm definitely an unusual combination of laid back and strong willed but how does my personality rub situationally?
tangibly, conflict brings this out. as i have a deep faith that God loves and accepts me unconditionally, why do i respond in an unbelieving way? when any situation resulting in my ways or desires being disregarded, i'm called to arms. my time and schedule, my want to spend quality time with a friend, simply a need to shift my perspective from me to someone else, often if not always brings discomfort.
"and we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." romans 8:28
yeah paul, i hear you. down the road, i'll more than likely be very thankful for the embattling situation as it's very likely this is building and changing me into who i want to be. but right now, i don't believe that's whats best. i firmly believe in my infinite wisdom of 22 years of age that this other situation and accompanying outcome is what's best for me.
it's so silly but nearly anytime i'm offended, these thoughts rise to the surface. how do you respond when you're pressed friend? do you believe in the underlying truth that you're sure of when things are going great? or do you default to a selfish bitterness that a "me first and above all" society teaches? just a thought, have a great day friends.
mandy candy

manly movies

so i watched robin hood yesterday. consequently, i want to shoot bow and arrows with precision off horseback and visit the countryside of the united kingdom. while i do have some history with horses, i have no skill in the field of archery and it's not likely that i'll be flying off to london on my intern salary anytime soon. on the contrary, thematically, there were tons of things i get to take home! so let's talk about it.

1. the power of a visionary

as robin returns home, he fulfills his vow to a dying man to speak to his father, on his behalf. as robin speaks with the noble father, he receives more than he bargained for. robin only bears faint memories of his dad. alternatively, the nobleman was very familiar with robin sr. and his character and life.

as sir locksley unveils the hidden truth of robin's dad, we find out that he was much more than a common stonemason. he was a man of decorated character, a layman burdened with a heart for truth and justice. we don't know much about his dad but we hear a quote associated with his cause: "rise and rise again until lions become lambs". and we learn that he was executed for withholding the names of men who stood for the cause of a just government, that honored the value of every man.

from this point forward we see a renewed vigor in robin. one that stands and fights for the same objective, ignited for the cause of standing where men couldn't stand for themselves. the change agent in robin's life could potentially have been this new knowledge of his heritage of fighting for a higher cause. i think that's what we're all looking for. a higher, nearly darn unachievable belief to simply take part in. something that we're completely caught up in that's greater than ourselves. robin found his in saving england from invaders and tyranny where i know i've found mine in the eternal cause of knowing God and making Him known. what's yours?

2. a right perspective of females

towards the end of the movie, we find the last battle. france is storming through the english channel about to hit the beachhead and the traitorous godfrey awaits with his army, preparing to take england. russell crowe and the calvary charge the slope towards the sand, climactic elements abounding. as robin and his pals charge, he runs in to an unexpected visitor, his girl. lady miriam is on the beach, ready to fight. i think it's every male's protective instinct that says "please don't let her out there bro.." but i love his response. after a brief fit, he affirms her "rally your troops, locklsey. join the charge."

my eye brows move and i'm put off, for reals? but robin attacks my false thinking here. she was made for that charge. as an english woman, she will be just as affected by the fall of the country as he would be. i'm completely aware that men and women are made completely equal but different. yes, he does valliantly fight to save her from the villain and i love that imagery as well. but what i'm rebuked for is something altogether different, the confusion of women and this ultimate battle we fight as men.

as i've gone down the checklist of idols in my life, a relationship with a girl has been one of them. what the Lord has been so gracious to reveal to me is that a girl will never satisfy the way He does. ultimately, that if a relationship with a girl ever takes the top spot reserved for him, where i find my hope and security, that relationship would inevitably come up short. i think as men we have the tendency to see a girl as the ultimate joy in our life, not the transcendent cause we were made for.

life is going really great friends, i love fall! i'm really enjoying my job at oklahoma state and there's so many people that i'm blessed to get to interact with on a weekly basis. but i hope you're doing well and have a great november!

your friend,

steven

relationships

today i went for a walk in a park here in stillwater, beautiful morning! then i saw this squirrel and it drew my attention, in a somewhat similiar fashion to the dog Doug from the movie "Up!". he's got it all. i was stepping on acorns the entire walk and i saw at least 5 other squirrels around during the remainder of the morning. how legit is that? he's got everything he needs, food for the entire winter and his boys to hang with. what if he didn't have all his friends there with him?

when i decided to stay in stillwater for another year after graduation, i wasn't sure how it'd go but it's been realllly great. i'm practically getting to see what i could do with my life, learning and growing and i'm having so much fun doing it. my favorite thing i've been thinking about is all the great relationships that are in my life. for the last week or two, i've been completely infatuated with this idea of relationships and what goes on there and i want to share my findings with you.

we've got all kinds of these relationships. work friends, college friends, high school friends, classmates, best friends, people we wave to, gf's/bf's, roommates, family, and on and on but why? what purpose do all of these relationships serve? what do we like about these things? here's what i think, relationships are in my terms:

-stretching. it's human nature and tendency (with the exception of moms) to simply stare at ourselves and what we want and need and to have no concern at all for others. what's the problem with that? if we're all walking around staring into mirrors, relationally there will be casualties. ever talk to one of those people who asks you the best questions about your life? they leave and you just want them to come back right? it's so hard to put others needs and wants ahead of our own, but when you care about them, mannn that's love.

-lifegiving. early in college i really struggled because i didn't have close relationships. there were great people around me that cared about me but it took being intentional to really feel what that's all about. there's something to say for getting past the "how was class?/how was your weekend?" type stuff. life is so much sweeter when people really know how you're doing and who you really are. having something in our lives that we're ashamed of is such a terrible feeling. 1john 1 says "if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.." walking in the light looks like us being exposed for who we really are before one another and then we can experience true fellowship with one another. when someone loves us regardless of our past actions, it's so freeing.

my favorite part of this topic is my relationship with God. it's so easy to default to thinking we justify ourselves before Him. how many times have we all thought, either openly or subconsciously, ya know, i went to church/bible study/had my quiet times this week, God's totally cool with me now. or maybe, we're seeing victory over sin in our life. ex: the way we talk looks prettier, i wasn't hatin on anybody too much this week, etc. and we feel like we're cool with God for a while. where's that in the bible? where did God say,"you go to church, don't drink and we'll be cool." He didn't. in ephesians 2:8,9, he says eternal life is a gift, not something we earn. the truth about the message of Christ is the greatest thing i know and i hope you can just let that truth resonate in your heart for a while friend. and try not to smile after thinking about it.

have a great weekend!
-mandy candy

speaking dad

after spending the better part of the last decade trying to understand the reasoning/motivations/true meaning of interactions with my dad, i feel i have stumbled onto some helpful observations. translating the dialect that is fatherish and understanding the significance of comments and actions should probably be taken as a foreign language. here we go:

a. "do you want to go get patio furniture?"

sure, it's not likely that you'll have a heart to heart conversation at lowe's. nor is it likely that your advice will be strongly considered in the process but what's significant about this seemingly pointless trip is that you are spending 4o+ minutes in transit, meandering around the home and garden store and assembling the new acquisition. but what's so sweet to see from this encounter is the ministry of presence in the relationship. by them asking and you accepting, there's a point of mutual acceptance, a state of "we want to be around each other". as a christian, i can see how my heavenly Father just wants to be with me. look at luke 15. it's packed full of lost "somethings" and the joyous finding of them. you ever get excited to find something you didn't really care about losing? like that sock you find in your couch cushions? naww, because it wasn't precious to have. not like your form of livelihood, a portion of your income or your son.

b. stereotypical conversation involving rebuking or correction

this conversation can't get over with soon enough. it seems meaningless, in that we who have parents who care enough to make us aware of our transgressions have already felt the weight of wronging and letting them down and have resolved to fix the problem with all due effort. but block out the next 15min-2hours to get some lip service about making sure you're aware of that. while this is the most painful, it's more loving then we know.

"because the LORD disciplines those he loves,as a father the son he delights in." proverbs 3:12

i know this is probably the most obvious, but it may be the hardest to remember in the moment.

c.this is more of an intangible: letting you move back home over the summer, giving you that old truck when you turn 16, going to your games for 15+ years, etc.

these are things that i've so often took for granted. so much i look at these things as what's expected, as the norm. not only are we so often provided with what we need (food, shelter) but our parents go above and beyond. as a finance grad, my inclination is to build a spreadsheet full of time value functions to imagine how much of an investment i've been for the past 22 years. the opportunity cost (forgone investments) in investing in my life i'm sure would amount to any combination of a much earlier retirement, sports car, season tickets to the dallas cowboys, okc thunder and the texas rangers, and on and on we go. in these small, compounding situations, i see what has been given for my well being and wants. sleep, money, hobbies, relationships, vacations. granted, i didn't volunteer to be born. but when our parents had us, they were handed the opportunity to sacrifice themselves. 1 john 3:16 says that "this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.."

it's so easy to focus on what we don't have and to want more, to want what others have. but to read between the lines and see all of the great love, time and foregone opportunity that has been invested in our lives, this will certainly impact the way we perceive the mustache wearing, recliner dweller. i'm not saying he's perfect, or even that he doesn't mess up, even consistently, but enjoy the blessing that he is and take a second or third look to see what's really going on. i'm learning there's more ways they communicate their feelings than with three consecutive words on occassion.

redefining greatness

this summer has just been something else friends. i've never been more humbled and amazed then i have over the course of the previous two months. coming home to perkins for a summer of support raising for my internship with campus crusade for christ wasn't on my top 10 list of ideas of fun things i want to do with my life, but it's been both phenomenal and nauseating at the same time. the stories of people's lives have blown me away and the guidance and comfort i've received is something i treasure. it's been a process but i see that it's an opportunity for these people to be a part of reaching lives for Christ, which is amazing. it's just been amazing to see the Lord's faithfulness amidst all my doubt and anxiety. my favorite parts have been the sweet growth experiences filled with those moments of deep despair followed by hearing just what i need to hear right when i needed to hear it. spending so much time with my family has been great too, they're soo great. but a few observations:

1. fireworks blow my mind. tightly, compacted gun powder and chemicals that when ignited shoot multiple football fields into the air and erupt into symmetrical, color changing, perfectly shaped lights in the sky? coomee onnn. how much does God love us that he would give us stuff like that just to look at? i vote that we should celbrate our country's half birthday as well. i think this would also lessen post christmas sadness. just a thought.

2. another mind boggling thing to me is how people are swooning over 25-3o year old men and where they'll play professional basketball at next year. i've seen interviews with cleveland residents claiming "the town just won't be the same" and "i don't know what we'll do without him." my question is on what level has a 25 year old basketball player ever met any of your phsyical, financial or emotional needs? i read the title "ohio on edge as it awaits lebrons decision" for reals? i'll be honest, i put my hope into sports as well. oklahoma state, okc thunder, dallas cowboys, even a usa soccer team that i can't name more than 3 players on the roster. i'm just as bad but here's a thought:

"we were created for a ferocious, epic battle for the Lord, but for some reason, we try and satisfy that desire with sports."-matt chandler

only 3 things are eternal: God, his word and the soul's of men. too often, i live life in light of my entertainment and not in awareness of the eternal implications of my surroundings. God defines greatness as to how much can we give our life away to those around us (matthew 20:26-28) and not based off how many points we can score in basketball/how freakishly high we can jump. it's constantly a process for me to keep definining myself by who i am in Christ and not based of my lack of a vertical.

but i hope you had a great 4th of july and are having a great summer! God bless.

-mandy candy

from an alumnus

so now that this whole college thing has concluded, i wanted to know what the most important thing i can take away from that experience is. i think accepting two things have recently become most pertinent in my quest for a life full of joy and satisfaction. i think they're things that you probably experience too.

1. "why do bad things happen to good people?" seems to be an often asked question. at the heart of the question, i see entitlement that's deeply rooted culturally. "i did this and therefore i deserve that." that's hammers me. the american dream of working to where you want to be. mainly the thought that if you're a good person, good things will deservedly happen to you.

when i dwell on this, the only answer i peacefully conclude is in my faith. i start with why am i here? to glorify the God that made and loves me. how can i best do that? is the answer by having every single thing in life given to me and never experiencing hurt, want or seemingly need? why would i need God if that were true? what's the beauty of a story in which God himself left heaven to die for a people who frankly, lived perfect lives in which they have everything they'll ever want or need?

there's nothing pretty about that, it seems unnecessary under those pretenses. but what is beautiful is knowing our rebellious nature, and that we're going to live hurtfully, selfishly and even maliciously at times because of our freedom to choose, our God lovingly chose to die for us. being the Creator, do you think He could have chose another plan? i do, but we wouldn't quite get him the way we do now. in the words of j packer, "he still seeks the fellowship of his people and sends them both joy and sorrow to detach their hands from the things of this world and attaches those hands to Him." God allows those things to happen because He loves us and wants us to see that life isn't in those things, it's only in Him.

after living a life of pleasure and pain to extremes that it's not likely we'll ever taste, David proclaims in psalms 18 that the "Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer." He's the stable place of protection and comfort. see it's out of great love and mercy that we receive hardship because we see him for who He is in that moment. that for reasons that we can't grasp right now, we don't get that job and our parents get divorced and that great thing we want won't ever be ours. that's rough. but rest in accepting that Jesus is God (colossians 3) and that tells us things about God and that in the moment we hurt, he weeps with us. (john 11:35)

for me, knowing that with a complete lack of regard to circumstances and situations, the reason i feel joy and contentment can't be shaken brings me to a different place and i don't think i knew that in high school. i'll do that other thing soon but i hope ya'll are starting off your summer great, God bless.

-mandy candy

identity crisis

approximately 33 days from graduation, i feel like this is one of those natural times in life when people start to freak out a lil bit. you've studied, networked, prepared for this time where it all pays off in a steady, secure job and position that cements your legacy as a responsible, respectable and contributing member of society.

conversationally, this looks like the graduatee pronouncing their lofty, elaborate plans for either gradschool/further education or a glamorous 50k position with a firm featuring an environment that fosters an attitude of aggressive advancement and the refining of our superior leadership skills.

don't get me wrong, i'm totally fine with going down that path, walking in what the Lord blesses. but so often i see how in my own life and in the life of my peers we have the tendency to find our identity, and self worth, in what we're doing and not in who we are.

in an age marked with heroes marred with character flaws that are completely overshadowed by success, i feel it's imminent that this school of thought will/is leaving us completely overwhelmed far too often on this futile path of satisfying our own skewed perception of success and the achieving to earn a level of respect and approval from others. am i saying that it's wrong to lead a disciplined, well organized and achieving life? absolutely not, that'd be silly. over and over again, scripturally the Lord confirms the idea of leading a disciplined life by using people that live that way. specifically as a man, it's our ordained position and our createdness to work hard, love sacrificially and provide for ourselves, and if we can handle that, a wife and children.

please hear me out, i'm not speaking against ambition. when these desires are honored in a Godly way, good things happen. i desire to speak against how i and culturally we strive to find our identity in what i'll refer to as "broken cisterns."

in the book of jeremiah, israel has been completely disobedient. what i would consider one of the least fun jobs of all time, jeremiah's job is to go to the people and talk about this disobedience. when i see some of israel's character, it's hard because i identify in this rebellious nature. an applicable passage from this scripture comes from chapter 2 and verse 13 when jeremiah brings the heat from the Lord:

"my people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

it pains me to realize that what he's talking about applies just as much, if not more, now to me than it does those cats. everyday, left and right, we look to our performance in class, relationships, work, exercise and pleasure to satisfy our self image. we grab a hold of everything we can in this life and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste for everything it's worth. too often, we look to creation to satisfy where only the Creator can fulfill us.

we find that while this cup we have may satisfy us for the time, the whole time it's had a leak and that all of our satisfaction has leaked out of the cracks. we're putting an unreal amount of pressure on these objects or people and in the end we find this solution doesn't meet our needs and we find our hope deferred.

i feel like outside of my faith, i would have absolutely no answer to this crisis. i would probably just try and achieve more, find joy in having more things and look to people for meeting my needs. truthfully, i still do that but because of the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, it's not about what i've done.

hebrews 7:25 "therefore he is able to save completely, those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them."

our deepest awareness of ourselves has to be that we're completely insufficient but that irregardless of what we've done, we're completely accepted by God because of His Son and what He did on our behalf.

i hope you guys are doing well and enjoying this amazing weather! have a great week, God bless.

-mandy candy

the parallels of uncleness and "morning dew"

recently, i left behind childhood and became an uncle. jk but for reals approx. 2 weeks, 3days ago it all went down and now there's a sweet little babe that can make a legitimate claim as being the most small and precious person in the entire world and in the wake of her arrival, i'd like to unwind and unpack my thoughts concerning the blessings surrounding "the blessing" and what i'm thinking about the future.

set aside the exclusive uncle's breakfast i now get to attend, the repeated viewings of our picture together that gurantee a smile and just looking forward to a summer filled with many visits as uncle steven, i truthfully had no idea i could learn so much from somebody who is yet to talk and who is so very small (again, blows me away).

an important lesson i've learned is not to view life as random, unorderly events but to realize that, like psalm 139 says, all my days have been ordained and are with purpose and that my Creator gives me things so i can learn more about Him. here's what anistyn's taught me so far:

1. walking requires patience. i'm aware that i'm getting a little bit ahead of myself here but those tiny little feet will put on the smallest pair of converses that i've ever seen someday and she'll start to walk. craaazzy. i can already see my boy david (her pops) holding her hands, full of joy, smiling and laughing, day after day, attempt after attempt, helping her take those first few steps. i know this man and he won't ever at any point say "c'mon girl get your act together. i'd really like to run a marathon with you in may so lace em up and i'll meet ya on the porch in 5... or else." he's patient. our father in heaven everyday watches as we take steps closer to him and when we fall, please don't think he's hacked. he loves us and can't wait for us to get up and take another step.

2. epic games of hide and seek. i'm all about this game lil ones play where they cover their eyes and believe that you can't see them simply because they can't see you. i think it'd be so great if that was true throughout life and if we simply didn't acknowledge our problems that they wouldn't exist. silly right? i do it in my faith everyday. i constantly see the condition of my heart and what is most important in my life and i so often act like it's all ok. i'm a 22 year old covering up my eyes thinking He can't see what's in my life. silllly. oh how i wish i could just readily grasp what he's saying in revelation 3:20 when He's saying He's knocking at the door i just have to open it. don't try and clean up your act, he does that after we accept his love. we should just let him in and see how communing with that love affects life.

3.lastly, how is this baby going to make it? we've got like 5 needs to survive right? food fun water shelter community? she hadn't found her thumb when i left, oh goodness. of course i never really had these worries, why? because she is so dearly loved by her mother and father who will love and provide all of that for her. with them, she would be defenseless and i rarely view my relationship with God in that light. i'll be working on it. it's so beautiful to see these parallels.

on another note, i was in northwestern arkansas, just porching it at about 3am and i had one of those moments. it had just started to rain and that scent came by, ya know the one that old spice and johnson and johnson have been trying to bottle and put in deodorant and body wash for years? they will call it "morning dew" or something much more clever but i got it for free. i was looking over the trees and hills where i'm considering living next year and i just felt a peace in my heart about interning for crusade at the univ of arkansas. it was great, see ya in the fall fayetteville. (80% sure)

i'll finish with this story i've been dwelling on lately. a couple of weeks ago, i heard a story from one of my good friends. he has 2 little boys (and a wife) and he was at mcdonalds with one of his little guys and they were just talking away. the only unusual thing about the situation is that my friend's son is five years old, is autistic and is yet to say his first words. but my boy said that in that moment, he just got it. he dearly loved his son so much that amidst all the awkward stares and the years of heartache, "he got it". just being with his son, even if he can't talk, he loved him. i'll confess i can't grasp this love for somebody else yet. he knew in that moment that if he could love another human that deeply, that God must love him so much more and it brought tears to my 33 year old friend's eyes there in Mcd's.

grace and peace studs, good night.

ps: my boy ben rector wrote this song about being an uncle and i wanted to share my favorite part with you guys. i think it epitomizes the feeling. it's also much more touching in it's context.

"When you find yourself alone in times of trouble,

reach inside you and above you, there's nothing He can't heal.

And if it is you do not end up with a brother,

just call your older uncle, I can always lend an ear.

Would you remember that for me?"

"hank" ben rector

snow, skylines, friends and thomas the doubter

(flashback to the 7:04am on january 7,2010 location: corner bakery denver,co 80201)

something is strangely enticing to me about the anonymity that occurs for me in large cities. set aside the fact that i do slightly embarassing things like walk around in nice clothes drinking coffee acting like i have a job i'm commuting to or that i've spent my first 22 years in a place where i have a 95% chance of running into somebody i know anywhere i go, these brief urban adventures almost always bring about a strange rush of excitement and are paralleled by personal growth. i almost want to credit this to the presence of two of my most dear brothers in the whole wide world that are cozily sleeping a half a block away, but i know they're just a part of how i can step back and see God working in my life.

the conference i've been attending has the theme of "glory" which has been such a blessing, and i love how it got personal to me. this started monday night when a man named james white read me a story about a man named thomas. if you're familiar with the gospels, you probably know the guy. the guy in john 20 who so famously doubted. even to the extent that our boy is then followed by the surname "the doubter". pretty rough right? i, probably just like you, just kinda thought "wow man, you saw Jesus perform countless miracles. storms were calmed, thousands were fed with a couple perch and some toast (probably politically incorrect but God speaks in oklahoma terms to my heart), a man brought back to life and demons left men. what else do you need to see to know this guy's pretty special bro? i think ya get the picture.

(warning:intense bible story ahead that may lead to personal reflection)

fast forward to john 20:25

disciples: "we have seen the Lord!" (our teacher who we saw crucified 3 days ago? yeah He's alive!)

thomas: "unless i see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were and put my hands into his side, i will not believe."

it took my boy j.white explaining to me thomas character before i got past his apparent flaw. see thomas wasn't "a hard-nosed skeptic". thomas saw the horrific beating and murder of the best, most loving man he ever knew. he believed in him. in john 11:16, thomas was the one who stepped up and said he would follow Christ even if it cost him his life. i think of the emotion the disciples experienced when their doubts were silenced and they saw Christ and in verse 24 it says thomas wasn't there, he didn't get to see Jesus when they all did. i can just imagine the tears that filled his eyes when it was hitting him that this could be for reals, that Jesus was fulfilling the prophecies. in verses 26-27 Jesus fulfills thomas requests and historic sources cite that thomas became one of the first missionaries to india where he was eventually stoned to death.

i just think so much in our lives, we doubt. it's all in the bible how loved we really are and so often we change what's said to let it make sense to us. we think "if i can just go to church and say some nice things to some people and don't ever say a cuss word, then i'll be a good christian." i don't think our boy the doubter was compelled by the idea of self righteousness and earning the love he received. we don't have the luxury of seeing the wounds but vs.29 was all i needed to calm that doubt in me. the gospel clearly states that God died for us and it's so hard to believe. but it's our choice to believe it (depending on your theological view of course)

with that being said, i had such a great Christmas guys. i've got soo much evidence for how i'm spoiled rotten but you won't ever hear me complain about it. much love friends

-mandy candy